5 Reasons why we need to find each other (locally)

1. Because there are actually loads of us around

The numbers are significant.

The Child Bereavement Network estimates that by age 16, one in 20 young people have experienced the death of a parent.

National bereavement rates, applied to London, indicate that 90,000 under 18s are bereaved of a parent. That means that for every square mile in Greater London (607), on average there are 148 under 18s whose parent has died. That's based on a major 201 1 study – the estimates now are higher.

Then there’s parental estrangement.

A 2022 report estimates that around 150,000 young people aged about 16–20 in the UK are completely estranged from parents or carers — meaning they have no meaningful contact or support. Applied to Greater London, that’s around 18,000 16 to 20 year-olds, so for every square mile, there are 27 16 to 20 year olds estranged from parents or care givers and that excludes people up to 24. Some studies also indicate much higher student rates.

On average, that means, for every square mile in London, there are 175 young people experiencing persistent parental absence and disconnection, (either because their parent died or because they’re totally estranged).

More than that, 25% of young people are also in single-parent households. That doesn’t mean they “lost parenting”, but it does suggest that for each square mile there are 1,153 young people experiencing some form of parental absence..

These are approximates, based on national statistics for family structure, but they are still astonishing, yet there remains so much stigma around any form of parental absence.

We still hold the model of the traditional nuclear family as sacrosanct - as too inviolable to question. In reality though, it's losing relevance and family structures are changing.

Basically what we're saying is, if you haven’t got a parent in your life, for whatever reason, it’s not uncommon and it's not something to hide – it’s something to share with all the people around who get it!

2. Because we’re not supposed to go it alone

After my parents died early I thought I had to hide the lack of support so I could effectively compete in the world. That just meant that I’d isolate myself when things got difficult, until I felt somehow self-perfected. Unsurprisingly, that never happened—I just wasted time trying to reach impossible benchmarks and make life feel secure and watertight.

It never actually becomes watertight, but the community that's around is the real safety net. There’s strength in numbers and life is supposed to be shared. We’re not supposed to hide our vulnerabilities and do everything alone.

Families are told they're supposed to deal with the loss of a mother or the absence of a father all on their own, but the mandate that we’re all supposed to be self-reliant and independent doesn’t work! It just isolates and exhausts everybody, creates unrealistic expectations and makes everything harder and take longer to figure out.

Someone said ‘What injures the hive, injures the bee.’

We’re all actually inter-dependent and we all need each other.

3. Because it’s always going to be a ‘thing’

Most of us know that if you lose mothering early, or fathering (for whatever reason), it’s a different ball game to adult loss or absence. That’s not something broadly understood yet.

Its not the case, as were told, that if you achieve some sort of external outcome (the perfect job or grade or partner), it stops being a ‘thing’. We know people in their 80s who have led the most fulfilled and interesting lives, but for whom it’s still a ‘thing’. That’s not to say it’s always hard, but nine times out of ten, it’ll always be something meaningful we revisit at different life stages.

Connecting with people in the same boat makes life so much easier.

There's so many of us around too who also want to share some of the things we’ve learnt along the way because it gives purpose to our experiences. It can be a maze out there, but there’s so much local knowledge around too. Not accessing it can be like scratching around in the dark when you haven’t switched the lights on!

4. Because its easier to give and receive on local levels

Our existing systems (like therapy, statutory services and national charities) are either clinical, time-limited, or remote, and rarely provide sustainable peer connection on local levels, which is what we really need. Sharing an experience only online can only go so far because it lacks relational depth.

We actually need to meet in person (in safe spaces) to get the full benefit of connection. That’s much easier if those people are local to us. Its easier to meet, easier build bonds you trust, easier to ask for guidance and it’s easier to give it too!

If we make those connections locally they also have the potential to become lifelong, loyal friends, because they’ll understand us in ways that others won’t.

5. Because you can be authentic!

Whether we know it or not, our self-concept is being shaped by the world around us all the time.

If we haven’t got much unconditional support around, we're more exposed to outside messages that aren’t true.

Like the ones that say our worth is conditional on our looks or on achieving certain outcomes.

Or that we can’t really express ourselves in case people feel uncomfortable.

Or that we have to limit our expectations in life because we're disadvantaged.

None of that is true—but without much unconditional support, we're less buffered against those influences.

All of those beliefs get self-corrected if we've got access to our peers and the community that’s around. We're also free to express the nuances of our experience in ways that perhaps we can’t with a relative or friend. It might be that they think we're ‘over it’, or we worry they’ll think we're not over it , or we don’t want to ‘burden’ them. We can be authentic and there’s no judgement.

Every single one of us who connected later on wishes we’d done it earlier.

We’ve been able to identify things we had in common as well as things that set us back. We’ve shared friendship and resources, we’ve had fun and we’ve been able laugh at the absurdity of some of our experiences too! Even without sharing very much the bonds are unspoken and they’re pretty much unconditional..